... I got free jeans, a sweater, lunch and a turkey today.

Yes, that's right, free jeans from Nordstroms, a really, really nice sweater, a so-so lunch and a huge honkin' turkey.

How did this happen, you ask?

Well, my mother who is quite possibly the craziest most difficult human being on Earth (but I still love her dearly), wanted me to go shopping with her for a birthday gift for The Midge because she didn't know what to get her.

She showed up at my house with the sweater and the Butterball. She originally bought the sweater for herself but then decided she didn't like it and rather than take it back decided to pass it to me (and then my sister if it doesn't fit me).

As for the turkey, it's been in the freezer since the Nixon administration -- along with about 8 other turkeys -- and she needed to make room for an Obama administration turkey. Thus, the free turkey now defrosting in my fridge....

So after the turkey/sweater exchange (for which I am eternally grateful because one can never have too dry or old a turkey...), we then went off to the mall. Not being a mall-type person (or even a shopper for that matter), this was going to be a painful trip no matter what, but then my mom had to go and crank up the crazy/difficult mode a notch.

I won't go into the all the crazy/difficult details because to re-create them would be too painful, but suffice it to say that at one point I was seen huddled in the children's department of a major department store begging for someone to put me out of my misery.

After that little meltdown on my part, my mother decided we should eat and ordered me to call my sister to join us. I dutifully complied and got hysterical laughter from my sister when I told her and then nothing but dial tone. (Thanks a bunch, C.)

So off I go to lunch with my mom, which I figured would be safe until she broke my arm when I reached for my wallet to pay.

She then ditched me in Nordstrom so I decided to try on some jeans that were on sale (a planned purchase). After I bought the jeans, I went back to find her and when she saw that I had bought something for myself, she threatened to break my other arm for not letting her buy it (even though it isn't my birthday) -- and then she wrestled $40 into my pocket and said it was time for her to go terrorize my sister for not joining us for lunch.

I'm now home nursing my arm and my sanity and wondering how long it's going to take that turkey to defrost....